Happy father’s day. I know I’ve already given you my letter earlier but I made this letter because this is the letter that I really wanted to tell you, but can’t say because I’m scared. It’s not that the letter I gave you were full of lies. I mean, you really are a great dad and I appreciate you for taking me to the park to play and buying my favorite toys whenever I get good grades but there are some things that I wanted to admit to you. That there are times that I just wanted to be angry at you.
Whenever you say no when I wanted to play with my friends saying that I should study more, even though I already studied for hours. It just feels like I am not a normal 10-year-old guy. Plus, I hate it whenever you say that I should just be like my siblings when in fact, they have much more freedom that I have and that I had more achievements than them. It made me feel like my achievements were nothing to you. Like you never wanted me to have a normal childhood because you expected me to be the best everyday, which I definitely am not. If only I could tell you to just give me a break from all the studying and all and just act as my father for once and not scolding me almost everyday just because my room is messy and that I can’t do the household chores whenever I watch the TV.
I really wanted to be close to you but I always feel like you keep pushing me away. Why is that? I wanted to be close with you but there are times that you made me feel like it’s never gonna happen. I know you will never ever read this message in your entire life but it just feels good to vent out my feelings towards you.
Happy Father’s Day I can’t remember how long since I’ve written you a letter, but who cares? This would probably end up in the same box as my previous one and left unopened.
We had a great time earlier in the restaurant when you came home from America just to celebrate this wonderful day. I hadn’t seen you in 4 years and to be frank, I had no idea how to talk to you again but without you knowing, you granted the wish that I had ten years ago: to be close with you. Never in my life did I ever imagine you asking what happened right after I graduate like I was not the black sheep of the family, which I used to feel way back then. For the first time in my life, I had the guts to tell you all of the firsts that happened to me during college: first group of friends, first terror professor, first time to fail a major exam, first time to cry because of a failed exam, first heartbreak in college, first time to drink after passing the semester, and the best thing is that you listened attentively which made me wonder why I never did it when I was young. That was the moment I realized that your love for my siblings might be unconditional but your love for me was no different. Now that I’m leaving the house to stay in a boarding house, I can’t believe I’m actually nervous and frightened of what will happen.
What made me wrote this letter was because these silent feelings of mine are still scared to reveal itself, just like it did ten years ago. The only difference is that the feelings started to understand the negative things you did in the past; because Papa, you are the one who pushed me to my limits.
I will never forget what you said when I graduated from the university when you whispered in my ear that you were proud of me. Believe it or not, Papa I almost teared up. That was the first time I felt so connected with you. I know how hard you are working for all of us and I really am thankful for all your sacrifices. Although I can’t easily forget the times you shouted at me for getting a failing mark in high school or of how you tried to push me away from my friends whom you think are nothing but a bad influence on me. I really regret dragging this long before I could actually ask forgiveness of how much trouble I’ve caused you and Mama in high school, believe it or not, it still haunts me every time of how badly I behaved. I know there were a lot of times you were disappointed with me, and there were a lot of times that I am disappointed in you and ironically it’s like we are trying to outdo one another. But, I am truly grateful that you allowed me to choose my major and allowed me to graduate from it because for the first time I did not feel that you were the one controlling my life. It’s like for the first time you allowed me to hold the ball although not for long.
And now, I am already twenty and ready to take med school. I know it’s gonna be tough for our family to support my schooling but I really am thankful that you are allowing me to hold the ball once again. I never actually thought that the impact you gave my childhood days actually gave me a benefit of being strong. Because the truth is, there are hundreds of times that I wanted to give up, just like my other friends who just lost hope on achieving their dream. But whenever I think of you and your blunt words, my senses would suddenly come back and focus on my ultimate goal: to make you proud. Papa, you might not read this letter but I hope you realize now that I’ve matured from that immature ten-year-old boy who would not spare a chance to understand you, I hope that in the coming years this bond we are creating would be stronger than ever before.
I used to be very good with expressing my thoughts using words but today is different, I can’t organize my feelings. So I’m just going to write all the things that come in my mind; the thing that I should have done when you were still here. Happy happy Father’s Day! I couldn’t thank you enough for all the sacrifices and hard work you’ve done for our sake all those years. I know being miles away from us was really difficult for you every single day but Pa, you never failed to be strong.
You made it possible, not only for me, but for all of us in the family to make us feel that you constantly loved us no matter what. I know there were times when I failed you and Ma, but I am just so blessed and grateful that I had a wonderful father just like you. It’s quite funny to look back at the very first letter I sent you. I was so mad for the things you’ve done when the truth is, you had every right to be mad at me for doing things you repeatedly told me not to. I could understand it now because your grandson is not listening to me whenever I give him commands.
I made wrong decisions in life, disobey Ma though you used to always tell me to be good, fail to make you feel that I love you sometimes, but you, yes you Pa, still accepts me for who I am. It may not be visible in your face, or even in the past letters I wrote you, but when Mama was cynical that I could be the best doctor in town, you were the one who sacrificed his joy of seeing his family in person just to save money for my studies with only one condition: I must never fail. I can’t help my tears while writing this letter, regretting of the excitement I felt when I found out that you will be leaving the country. I know I am not perfect but you still believe and support me in your own way and that means everything to me, Papa.
I was and still very proud to have a cool Papa like you. The one I could lean on when Mama is mad at me, the one who used to tell me that I was a good son even though I think I’m not, the one who made us laugh through his “dad jokes” that I never even paid attention to when I was young, and the one I know I couldn’t live without. But unfortunately, everyone has to go.
This was the saddest father’s day in the family because this is the first time to have the saddest location to celebrate as well: the cemetery.
“Hello Papa, I’m a father now. I know you could see me up there. Are you proud of me?”
Flowers, candles and this letter could never reciprocate the love you’ve given us and could never compensate the remorse I felt back then. Because even at the last day of your life, I never even had the chance to tell you that at the end of the day Pa, you and Mama would always be my forever heroes and that I would still choose to have you and Mama as my parents even in another life. If only I could tell you that I love you with all my heart and I would forever cherish all the memories we made whenever you go home, which is actually silly of me to hope that there would be more to come. Papa, I’m sorry for all my shortcomings as your son, but I will do my best to make it up to you.
My love and gratitude for you are beyond words; words that I never even had the chance to say despite life giving me thirty-three years to say these words. But wherever you are, I just wanted to say that I miss you and I will always pray for you. I know that it’s too late but I really love you.
Read more from this blog: The Luckiest Bride, Sweet Nothings, KISMET, Kanser ng Pangarap